In 2006, I began my own search for answers. Why was my marriage and life so painful? My marriage was over in my opinion. I was done. Anything I tried made no difference whatsoever. I was clinically depressed and felt like I was going crazy! I had exhausted all that I knew and nothing was working. Nothing. At that time, we had been married for 17 years or, how I like to say, married one year 17 times; the same insane cycle over and over.
I began going to a wonderful counsellor, Karen Bayley, who immediately helped me to understand two major ideas. First, I was focussed on fixing my husband. My counsellor let me know that I couldn't fix or change my husband. It wasn't my responsibility! Second, Karen suggested I could repurpose my energy to becoming healthy myself. What a concept!
I'll never forget Karen's words, "I can't promise you your marriage will be okay. We don't know what your husband will do. But, you will be okay." I clung to those words. I repeated them over and over to myself. Having someone outside of my marriage set goals to move forward gave me the confidence I needed when change felt hard. As a popular quote says, "Pick your hard!" My healing journey was work. At times it was hard but my life was already hard. I had to pick my hard. I chose healing and recovery! The results have been amazing!
By partnering up with Karen, I learned things "not to do" and "to do." I was "not to do" controlling and fixing behaviours such as:
- Yelling, raging, shaming, using sarcasm.
- Being judgemental, unable to forgive, name calling.
- Intense interrogation (peppering with questions) about my husband's past and present behaviours.
- Obsessing about my husband's recovery and constantly reminding him to book counselling, attend groups, make phone calls, read marriage books, pray, etc.
By trying to fix my husband, I was not allowing him the dignity of making his own choices. I was in danger of getting compliance, not authenticity. In hindsight, I was getting in God's way. When I got out of the way, God went to work. I ducked and God swung. It was hard to see what my husband went through after my decision to get out of the way (although I did entertain thoughts of revenge). My husband hit a rock bottom in his life in February of 2007. I had thoughts like, "I am glad he is finally feeling some pain after all he has put me through." However, I also felt compassion because he authentically chose recovery from that point forward.
Karen also gave me things "to do" like:
- properly processing my pain and grief.
- realizing I have value. I had to work on overcoming the negative thinking that gave me a poor self image.
- relying on God to fill my needs.
- doing healthy self care such as exercising, eating well, and pursuing my own interests (painting, sewing, life coaching, public speaking).
- setting healthy boundaries in my marriage relationship.
The recovery process has been so valuable and impactful to me. My husband and I both committed to the hard work. My husband says, "We went from a marriage that was hell on earth to a marriage that is a little piece of heaven on earth!" I agree! We have a beautiful marriage! We were married in August of 1989. Life seemed fine in the first few years but then our relationship became progressively worse until we almost separated in 2006. However, I entered recovery in 2006 and Gerry got into recovery in 2007 and everything changed. We have now celebrated many successful anniversaries! After going through my own successful recovery journey, I am passionate about every woman having the opportunity to heal.
I began going to a wonderful counsellor, Karen Bayley, who immediately helped me to understand two major ideas. First, I was focussed on fixing my husband. My counsellor let me know that I couldn't fix or change my husband. It wasn't my responsibility! Second, Karen suggested I could repurpose my energy to becoming healthy myself. What a concept!
I'll never forget Karen's words, "I can't promise you your marriage will be okay. We don't know what your husband will do. But, you will be okay." I clung to those words. I repeated them over and over to myself. Having someone outside of my marriage set goals to move forward gave me the confidence I needed when change felt hard. As a popular quote says, "Pick your hard!" My healing journey was work. At times it was hard but my life was already hard. I had to pick my hard. I chose healing and recovery! The results have been amazing!
By partnering up with Karen, I learned things "not to do" and "to do." I was "not to do" controlling and fixing behaviours such as:
- Yelling, raging, shaming, using sarcasm.
- Being judgemental, unable to forgive, name calling.
- Intense interrogation (peppering with questions) about my husband's past and present behaviours.
- Obsessing about my husband's recovery and constantly reminding him to book counselling, attend groups, make phone calls, read marriage books, pray, etc.
By trying to fix my husband, I was not allowing him the dignity of making his own choices. I was in danger of getting compliance, not authenticity. In hindsight, I was getting in God's way. When I got out of the way, God went to work. I ducked and God swung. It was hard to see what my husband went through after my decision to get out of the way (although I did entertain thoughts of revenge). My husband hit a rock bottom in his life in February of 2007. I had thoughts like, "I am glad he is finally feeling some pain after all he has put me through." However, I also felt compassion because he authentically chose recovery from that point forward.
Karen also gave me things "to do" like:
- properly processing my pain and grief.
- realizing I have value. I had to work on overcoming the negative thinking that gave me a poor self image.
- relying on God to fill my needs.
- doing healthy self care such as exercising, eating well, and pursuing my own interests (painting, sewing, life coaching, public speaking).
- setting healthy boundaries in my marriage relationship.
The recovery process has been so valuable and impactful to me. My husband and I both committed to the hard work. My husband says, "We went from a marriage that was hell on earth to a marriage that is a little piece of heaven on earth!" I agree! We have a beautiful marriage! We were married in August of 1989. Life seemed fine in the first few years but then our relationship became progressively worse until we almost separated in 2006. However, I entered recovery in 2006 and Gerry got into recovery in 2007 and everything changed. We have now celebrated many successful anniversaries! After going through my own successful recovery journey, I am passionate about every woman having the opportunity to heal.
If you are not ready to book a session and you have further questions, please text Sandy
at 204-381-0092 or use the contact form on the home page.
at 204-381-0092 or use the contact form on the home page.